the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
