I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
