Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
