Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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