I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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