I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
