If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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