I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
