If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
