Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
