I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
