The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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