I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
