Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
