Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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