I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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