The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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