dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
