I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
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Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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