Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
