rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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