Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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