the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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