Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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