the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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