i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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