There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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