You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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