there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
