i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
