Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
