she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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