I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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