Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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