This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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