why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
