This is not my ceiling
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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