So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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