it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
