i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
