Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
