Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
