Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
