i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
