I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
