ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
