I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
