Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
