I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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