I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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