Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
