Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
