You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
