i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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