i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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