the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
