I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
